


Of Broken Backs and Beating Hearts

by VisionaryGalaxy



Series: A Thousand Futures of Me and You [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Infinity War, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Stephen Strange feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 05:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15857604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: A month after the battle with Thanos Tony is still reeling and seeks comfort and explanations from Stephen Strange.*Mind the tags please





	Of Broken Backs and Beating Hearts

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授翻/奇异铁】Of Broken Backs and Beating Hearts/破碎的过往，跳动的心](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16539680) by [Clover_cherik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clover_cherik/pseuds/Clover_cherik)



> Once again this is VERY different from what I have posted before, but I am extremely happy with it and I hope you guys find it enjoyable as well. There was a lot I wanted them both to face in the aftermath.

   Dr. Stephen Strange was uncomfortable, a feeling he detested, especially while sitting in his own Sanctum sipping a freshly brewed tea. The source of his discomfort was unsurprisingly Tony Stark, who was sitting across from him, taking in the room with a harshly scrutinizing gaze. Having Tony Stark show up unannounced at eight in the morning probably shouldn’t be considered odd given how closely they had worked together for the past month since defeating Thanos on Titan, but this would be the first time his visit was anything other than business.

   So, yes Stephen was uncomfortable. Though if he was being honest it wasn’t entirely Tony’s fault. There was almost no one he knew better then Tony Stark after their ordeal, no man he could categorize and analyze so thoroughly. The past month had shown a vulnerable side to the man as they worked to account for every erased soul in the aftermath of the snap, as the Doctor coached him through panic attacks, diagnosed his PTSD, and trained him in the calming mediation of the Mystic Arts. But it was not these experiences that defined Stephen’s understanding of Tony Stark. No, it was the thousands of futures he watched unfold through the Time Stone as he searched for a miracle on Titan. In those futures he saw every possible version of the man, every single way he would die; on his knees, on his feet, screaming, crying, _but never his back_. Everything he was willing to sacrifice; his life, his hands, his feet, his mind, his soul, _but never his heart_. Every set of final words he would utter in his last breath; false assurances, vengeance, anger, frustration, pain, _even a laugh spiteful and hard once_. Finally, Stephen was tasked with a first-hand view of every emotion a man can experience in one colourful array of possibilities, which had somehow been the hardest to watch; pain, grief, desperation, guilt, heartbreak, _even love_ in all its terrible forms. Worse of course, was the fact that it would be that final future Stephen would have to choose for the man if he wanted to save the world. It was arguably the cruelest thing he had ever done to another person.

   Today, Stephen knew, would be about Titan. He had seen the way Stark had watched him this past month in contemplation, the false starts as he sought a way to ask about it. He was honestly surprised he had lasted so long given his natural curious nature, even more shocking was how cordial they had managed to be in the aftermath. After destroying him so completely Stephen had expected silence, after a healthy dose of anger and yelling followed by hatred. Instead it had been invitation after invitation to help. Strange figured that today would signal the end of that truce, that answers would be demanded, responses would be few and they would part ways with Tony no less at peace and Stephen…well, he had his own reasons to miss the man’s presence.

   So, sitting in his seat watching Tony he found himself almost impatient for it to be done with, he couldn’t understand what was taking him so long to begin, all the more frustrating after being so able to read him. Tony for his part was still glancing about, one hand holding the tea close to his mouth to sip, while the rest of him laid completely relaxed in his own chair, not an inch of tension in his body. Yet, it was his eyes giving him away, their darting nature suggesting nervousness and unease. Finally, Stephen had enough.

   “Was there something you wish to discuss Tony?”

   His eyes finally darted to meet Stephens. A blush seemed to work its way subtly into his cheeks and the Doctor had to work not smirk. He seemed embarrassed to be caught daydreaming, while Stephen marked it as improvement that his mind could wander without focusing on darker things.

   “I’m sorry,” Stark murmured, still nervous. “Do you have any appointments today?”

   He shook his head, “No, but I imagine you do. So best get straight to it. You have questions.”

   Tony’s eyes seemed to go a little wide, it was a common occurrence every time Stephen suggested he knew the man intimately with little comments about what he was thinking, what he wanted.

   “Right, yeah I do.”

   Stephen waved his hand and both their teas disappeared. He leaned back feigning ease and waved his hand again to tell him to proceed.

   “Its about Titan,” his eyes darted to the Sorcerer wearily, and Stephen sort of wished he hadn’t told Tony about his own nightmares.

   “Go on.”

   He sucked in a breath his eyes closing for a moment, clearly gathering courage. Stephen couldn’t see why given it was himself that had caused most of the problems, for the greater good, but still.

   “Why?”

   He glared at Tony, whose own expression was hard, and his eyes were piercing. “You need to be a lot more specific if you want answers Stark.”

   Tony’s jaw clenched and there was the fire Strange had been expecting. “Why did you choose me? Why did you choose that future?”

   Stephen kept his face carefully blank, “That one you already know. You are a lot smarter then that. I looked into the future while we were on Titan and chose the one future where we win.”

   Tony shook his head, clearly agitated. “Except I am smart Doc, a hell of a lot smarter then the average human who would nod along and say yes of course to the dumb explanation.”

   Now Stephen was offended, he would take the blame for a fuck ton of bullshit that Tony went through, but he would not sit here and be told he enjoyed putting this man through hell and back as though he spun a bottle and claimed whichever future it landed on.

   “I looked through thousands of futures that day Tony, something I have told you before.” His own voice had shifted dangerously as though he had no control over it. “What I saw was futures that some might have called a win, while millions of people were still swept away from ash and I _rejected_ them. What I saw was the suffering of millions and had to decide which was the least evil.” Strange was leaning forward now his gaze having turned venomous, while Tony leaned back, clearly unsettled. “What I saw Tony, was hundreds of futures where I was _alive_ , where people I _loved_ were alive and you know what I did? I _rejected_ it.”

   The cloak reacted to his dark change in aura and seemed to lift him ever so slightly, “I chose a future where the most good would be accomplished, not the future that was the most convenient for _you_. But I would love to see you view every possible future and make a decision to affect millions.”

   The cloak settled as a sudden wave of exhaustion overcame him. He hadn’t meant to be defensive, it was hardly fair. It was true he believed he made the best choice given the circumstances but that didn’t mean he hadn’t also caused harm, wasn’t also sorry for breaking the man in front of him.

   For Tony’s part he was starring at Stephen with something akin to respect, which he himself found incredibly distasteful.

   “I know you went through a lot Stephen,” He hesitated, no doubt thinking of nightmares he admitted to in the past. “But I just…” his voice took on a hopeless tone that the Doctor recognized from the first few weeks after Titan when he was bed-ridden and begging him to just cut off his arm, anything to get the damn gauntlet off.

   “I’m sorry Tony.” All his earlier anger had washed away as he fell back into the role of the past few weeks, supporter, teacher, friend.

   He shook his head, “why _me_?” His tone turned pleading and his eyes grew moist. But still he looked at Stephen as though he were his salvation, his answer to all the mysteries instead of his cruel orchestrator of destiny.

   Stephen stood and walked the few feet over to Tony’s chair, where the man sat with a tremble to his limps not so unlike the Sorcerer’s own hands. Kneeling he grabbed Tony’s hand and looked into his face forcing him to hold his gaze.

   “I’m sorry Tony,” he repeated, “It had to be you. It shouldn’t have been, but in thousands of futures the once constant to saving everybody was you.” Tony closed his eyes, a few stray tears leaking out. “I saw you every time. I saw your entire path, every cruel bend and crook in its uneven road to lead you to this sacrifice. I watched every moment of pain from the beginning to the end, I felt every heartbreak and soul crushing weight that laid on your shoulders. I sensed how lonely the world left you, how lonely _I_ left you.” Stephen squeezed his hand and he opened his eyes, still swimming with an ancient depth of hurt. “ _But_ still I chose to sacrifice you, because you were the only one who could wield that gauntlet and be alive when it was all over. This was your destiny Tony, I knew the moment I saw it.”

   Stephen took a deep breath and allowed a hand to reach up and wipe the tears from Tony’s cheeks and the man let him, still crumpled in his grief. “But it was still cruel, a different kind of cruelty even then Thanos offered the world. I chose to sacrifice the one thing you would never willingly give Tony.”

   That seemed to revive him a little, and Stephen struggles to swallow down the sickening lump that rose in his throat at the lost expression on his face. “What was it?” Tony whispered.

   Stephen squeezed his hand, “Your heart Tony.” A shudder went through the man. “You would sacrifice so much for the people you love, except themselves. If I didn’t do it without telling you, you never would have done it, allowed it.”

   Tony seemed to break then. The weight of the past few months finally breaking past the dam the man had built. It had certainly sprung more then a few leaks in the past months, his anguish coming out in panic attacks that Stephen struggled to calm, in nightmares that left him calling Strange in the middle of the night begging him to remind him what was real and what was hallucination. But now Tony was shaking crumbling in a way that broke Stephen’s heart and froze him to the core. As he leaned up on his knees and pulled Tony to the floor where the man trembled and tried not to sob, eyes unseeing and wet in his arms Stephen acknowledged that he himself had not left Titan without his own punishments for his decisions.

   Stephen loved Tony with a heart filled to the brim and truth that needed no explanation. It was not really possible the Sorcerer believed, not to fall for a man whose every substance had been viewed and admired. He had looked with an inhuman intimacy into the soul of one Anthony Stark, had not bothered to shield his eyes from its burning brightness, had grieved with its twisting pain, had sympathized with its bruised love and pride. Now, Stephen was living a punishment that destiny seemed to design especially for him. He was a first-hand witness to the damage he had done to the man he loved, he had a front seat view to his dimming light. He got to sense the pain he had himself caused and watch as he became scarred and hurt. After spending so many futures dying with Dormammu, Stephen had never guessed that it would be watching the man he loved hurt by his own hand, that would cause him the worst agony he had felt.

   Stephen continued to run a hand through Tony’s hair while the other held the man tightly, the cloak seemingly doing its part by keeping Stephen steady under the other man’s weight. But the shaking was slowing, the heart beat at his arm was also becoming smoother. His breathes had begun to follow the pattern of the Doctor’s as he had intended. Soon enough Tony was wiping away he own tears and Strange summoned tissues that he took silently. Eventually their positions shifted until they were sitting across from each other on the floor. Tony was looking down, and Stephen struggled to work past every painful throb of guilt.

   Still Stephen waited. Knowing it was best to let Tony speak first. But when he finally did it took Stephen by surprise.

   “I don’t blame you.” It was whispered, pained.

   Stephen looked at him blankly, “You should.”

   His head snapped up, his red eyes narrowed. “What good would that do?”

   Stephen shrugged, no longer on the defensive. “It might help bring you peace.”

   “I can’t imagine how. You’ve told me thousands of times in the past month that I shouldn’t blame myself, now you are saying I should blame you.” Tony scoffed, rolling his eyes.

   “In this case Tony, and I’m not being emotional here or unrealistic, it actually was my fault. I chose the future and I enacted it. For better or for worse.”

   Tony was looking at him now with eyes Stephen could only describe as world-weary and tired, “Do you regret it?”

   The question brought Stephen pause, the guilt in his stomach beating a constant reminder, his nightmares from last night rising behind his eyelids, the thousands of futures pounding against his skull. He opened his mouth to answer only to find it dry, his throat spasming as if his whole body physically hated him for the words he was about to utter.

   “No, no I don’t.”

   Silence. For three long seconds.

   “I understand.”

   It was Stephen’s turn to look at the man sharply. It was there that he was reminded of something very important. Yes, Stephen knew this man inside and out, every version of his personality and his future. But there was one part he had never been privy too, not directly. His past.

   Academically, Stephen couldn’t comprehend the possibility of Tony Stark not hating him for how he used and abused his very soul. But looking at him now he could physically see the years of experience on this man’s shoulders, the evidence of every battle he had ever faced, every desperate, hopeless decision he had made so similar to Stephen’s own. Yes, he had seen the path Tony Stark had laid out for him, had seen how his destiny had coalesced, but he hadn’t felt it, not like his many futures. Perhaps this man did understand, but it didn’t stop the guilt eating at him and he thinks it never would.

   Still Stephen couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”

   Tony offered a weak smile from where he leaned against the chair, still seated on the floor. “I could never hate you Strange. If nothing else, you are the only man who knows a damn thing about what happened to us on Titan, what happened to me. I guess I wasn’t so alone after all.”

   Stephen tried to ignore the pleasant feeling that went through him at that. He didn’t deserve it. “No thanks to me of course.”

   Tony nodded in agreement, “No thanks to you, but I also couldn’t have saved the world without you.” His eyes glanced around for a moment, “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be able to summon more tea?”

   With a sigh Stephen did just that, choosing not to mention the forced light-heartedness of the man’s statement. It would appear that he was not banished from the man’s life just yet, and remembering how he had broken down moments before, Strange could not decide if it was a blessing or a curse.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I think that was the longest one yet. I have a second chapter idea in my head where we move past pre-slash a little and deal with more issues from Infinity War. If you want to see it please let me know, if not I'll leave it on the back burner for now and continue with the usual prompts I've been doing.  
> Thank you so much for your time guys :)


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